How to Listen to Your College Freshman
Your freshman may or may not be good about calling home. When your freshman does call, she may accuse you of not truly listening to her. Her frustration bother you, because you think you are listening well even if you tend to call at a bad time.
Don’t give up trying to listen! You can truly listen to your freshman and show you are listening by understanding what listening is, why your freshman communicates with you, and how to actively listen in a conversation.
What is listening?
This question may seem slightly ridiculous, but have you ever taken the time to define this term? Listening well is actually a fairly rare skill. Many people have misconceptions about what listening truly is.
Listening is not the same as hearing. Why? Hearing is an automatic, biological, mostly involuntary response. In other words, you do not have much control over whether you hear or not. Vibrations enter your ears that then translate into sounds.
Listening, on the other hand, is intentional, practiced, and voluntary. You know, from raising your kids, that people can hear without actually listening. Every person, however, has some control over whether or not they truly listen.
To listen well you must accomplish three tasks. First, to listen well you must receive information. When humans communicate, they share a message. Sometimes that message is blocked by disruptive noises, but at the root of every communication is a desire to share a message.
When your freshman calls home, she may pour out story after story. Her conversation may have very little structure and, therefore, not much of a point. Even when your freshman’s conversation rambles, know that she is trying to communicate a message to you.
Do your best to give your freshman your full attention. You cannot always focus entirely on your freshman, but when you can try to do so. If you have to choose between focusing your attention and not answering her call, maybe choose to let your freshman leave a voicemail and call her back later.
Second, to listen well you must gather meaning. Understanding the true meaning of your freshman’s message can be difficult over the phone, text, or social media. Why? It can get lost in translation, because both words and non-verbal cues convey meaning to you.
While gathering meaning, the listener can easily jump to conclusions. Do your best to hear out the whole conversation before interjecting comments. Your freshman may reveal information throughout the course of the conversation that provide context. In addition, follow up with questions to get to the root of the problem.
Although video-chatting may not be a realistic option for you or your freshman, seeing and hearing your freshman helps you listen better. Your freshman’s facial expressions, tone of voice, and gestures all help you gather meaning. So, when you can, try to talk face to face.
Third, to listen well you must respond to the message. Your response does not always need to be in the form of advice. In fact, sometimes sharing advice without asking first can cause problems. Sometimes a short and simple response is much more effective.
When your freshman shares his unique battles with you, limiting your response can actually be healthy. Your freshman probably knows the action she needs to take, but she is struggling to get started. Words of correction or advice may only add to her tendencies to procrastinate.
Listening well is a skill, but a hard skill for parents wanting to jump in and help their struggling and lonely freshmen. Knowing what listening is can certainly help you as you seek to listen well.
Why does your freshman communicate?
Your freshman is obviously trying to share a message with you, but why? Why does she need to communicate with you? Even even if you feel like your freshman doesn’t need you anymore, she does. Talking to you is incredibly important to her, although she may forget to call you enough.
Your freshman needs to share with you for many reasons five of which this post will highlight. One, your freshman communicates with you to destress. Especially if your freshman is struggling to make good friends at college, her relationship with you is one of the few in which she can fully be herself.
College is a stressful experience. Classes, roommates, teachers, social life—all of these aspects are challenging to freshmen. You are away from it all, and you also represent home and all things familiar to your freshman. Talking to you allows your freshman to relax.
Two, your freshman communicates with you to process her thoughts and feelings. If your freshman is more extroverted, she probably processes through talking. As a result, she may not be able to identify her thoughts and feelings for herself. Talking allows your freshman to realize what her thoughts and feelings are.
If your freshman is more introverted, she may bottle up her thoughts and feelings. If and when your more introverted freshman does share with you, listen well. This is a sign that she trusts you. If her words are jumbled and emotional, know that she has been mulling over these words in her mind for days. The fact that your freshman is willing to share her thoughts and feelings with you is a big deal.
Three, your freshman communicates with you to receive feedback. This situation can be double-edged sword, because your freshman probably does not truly want to know what you think. Instead, she likely wants to receive unconditional love and support from you.
If your freshman asks “do you think that’s a good idea?” or “how did you feel like I did?,” she may be looking for affirmation. However, if you respond positively, your freshman may protest, saying “you have to say that, because you’re my mom/dad.” Know that your support and encouragement does deeply matter, even if your freshman protests.
Four, your freshman communicates with you to find a solution. This is again a difficult spot for a parent, because you probably know the right solution. You want to swoop in and save the day, but this may not be the best thing for your struggling freshman.
Letting your freshman struggle through the process of solving problems is good. She needs to see she can solve her problems by herself. This process will give her needed confidence now and in the future.
If your freshman asks what you think she should do, try to guide her rather than providing the solution. Your freshman can be her own hero. You’ve raised her well, and she should have the tools to face her problems head-on.
Five, your freshman communicates with you to receive sympathy. Sometimes your freshman merely needs to hear the words, “that sounds tough” or “I’m sorry that this has been so difficult for you.”
Your freshman may not be looking for a solution or advice. Instead, she may want some sympathy. Offering advice, reminders, or “I told you so” remarks may cause your freshman to be resistant, resentful of you, and insecure.
Your freshman is communicating with you for a specific purpose, but she may not even be aware of the specific reason yet. While you are not a mind-reader, try to discern what your freshman wants out of the conversation and provide it when you can.
How can you actively listen?
Listening well is a skill. Listening well as a parent is a difficult skill. You have years of experience, but the distance between you and your freshman can make listening well incredibly challenging.
Actively listening requires you to incorporate these four steps. First, paraphrase. After actively listening to your freshman, you somehow still miss certain points. Respond to your freshman’s comments by ensuring you understood her: “If I understood you correctly, you . . . is that correct?”
Paraphrasing not only shows you are trying to understand your freshman, but it also communicates that you care about what she is saying. Your paraphrase demonstrates your engagement in the conversation, and your freshman notices.
Second, express understanding. Saying you care and showing that you care are two very different things. By expressing your sympathy with your freshman’s struggles, you are positioning yourself to be a source of support.
For example, your freshman may share with you that she is struggling with her grades. In fact, her grades are so poor that she’s not sure she will pass most of her classes. While you may want scold her, show some empathy if possible: “Your science courses do sound very difficult.”
If you sympathize before giving some tough love, your other comments may go over much better with your freshman. Your sympathy also acknowledges the legitimate obstacles or challenges in your freshman’s path. Her feelings are probably normal in her situation, and expressing sympathy validates those emotions.
Third, ask questions. Like discussed earlier, questions are a valuable tool to the college parent. They allow you to guide your freshman without actually giving advice. Your freshman is young and inexperienced but may not be receptive to your correction or advice, so ask questions instead.
Asking the right kind of questions is important. So, what questions help your freshman? Try questions like these:
Why do you think this happened? or What actions led up to _________?
What do you think you should do?
What are your options?
How can you prevent this from happening again?
Who have you told about this? What advice did they give you?
Fourth, be affirming. When listening to your freshman answer your questions, listen quietly but also demonstrate you are invested in her answers. A head nod, a “mhm,” or eye contact can show that you are paying attention.
Most of your conversations will probably be over the phone. However, you can still show that you are listening. Using sounds like “mhm,” “hmm,” or short comments like “really?” or “wow” show that you are invested without interrupting your freshman.
Listening well can be tiring and an exercise in patience. Your freshman, however, will appreciate your attention. Engaging in the conversation by actively listening is another way you can deeply invest in your freshman. Do your best to listen well and in turn you may find your freshman tries to listen well to you too.
