How Reminders Harm Your Relationship With Your Freshman
You had no intention of causing a rift between you and your college freshman, but it happened. You were only trying to help your child remember to turn in an assignment or meet with a teacher. Instead, you seemed to make everything worse, but you have no idea why.
Your frequent reminders come from love. You care deeply for your freshman and want her to succeed. But your constant reminders can not only delay maturing but also damage your relationship with your freshman. So, how does reminding your college freshman harm the parent-college kid relationship?
5 Ways Your Frequent Reminders Harm Your Relationship
1. Your freshman resents you.
You are well-meaning. You want your child to succeed. However, your frequent reminders do more harm than good. Your freshman views these comments as negative and possibly irritating.
For example, your child needed to complete some homework over break but failed to do so. You may have reminded her of this multiple times—”don’t forget about your paper”—as she ran out the door to spend time with friends. These comments were not met with a positive response. In fact, it may have started arguments or at least tension at home.
Avoid reminding your child to do things, especially things that relate to her personal well-being or academic success. Don’t remind her about completing assignments, meeting with professors, doing laundry, getting sleep, etc. Your freshman’s first semester is a “make-it-or-break-it” situation. Either she will pull herself up by the bootstraps or fall flat on her face.
Your constant reminders will not help draw you and your freshman closer together. Instead they may cause tension that turns into resentment from your freshman. So, try asking specific questions rather than giving reminders or solving problems.
2. Your freshman thinks she’s incapable.
Your reminders are meant to show how much you believe in your child. You’re trying to show that you think she’s capable of succeeding and accomplishing great things. Your child, however, might see them differently.
Rather than seeing these reminders as a vote of confidence. Your freshman may see them as a sign of your doubt. Your child may think you remind her, because you think she’s not capable of doing things without your assistance.
This only adds to the insecurities that your freshman may feel. These reminders can actually be discouraging to your already struggling freshman. Your child may think that you will only ever see her as that kid that messes up.
For example, your freshman calls home complaining about how she can’t seem to make any friends. Everyone she’s met is strange and unfamiliar. She wants to find people that will help her grow. In an effort to help, you suggest ways to make friends. Your freshman finds these suggestions insulting—like she doesn’t know those suggestions already.
You obviously were trying to be helpful, but your comments came across the wrong way. Instead try asking what things have not worked and what things she has truly tried. Sometimes, you may have to just step back and sympathize without making any other comments. These kinds of experiences are part of the growing pains of a young adult. They hurt to watch, but they teach valuable lessons.
3. Your freshman dreads coming home.
Your freshman enjoys the independence and freedom of college. While she misses the comforts of home and family, your child dreads the constant reminders.
“Don’t forget to move your clothes to the dryer.”
“Have you eaten anything for lunch?”
“Make sure you make your bed.”
“Don’t forget to take out the trash tonight.”
You had no intention of coming across as nagging, but remember your freshman isn’t use to someone monitoring her choices. Your child is used to living independently. Sometimes her actions can be self-centered and inconvenient for you as the parent, but remember coming home for break requires adjustment for your freshman too.
Instead of reminding your freshman about tasks, try having a transparent conversation with her. Communicate what you expect at home, recognizing that she is capable of completing these tasks. Make your child feel a part of the decision-making process when possible. These steps will communicate trust and respect.
4. Your freshman feels like a child.
Yes, your freshman is only 18, but she has been experiencing many adult freedoms. If younger siblings are still at home, be careful not to lump your freshman in with the younger siblings.
For example, your family is going on a special outing together. You want to leave around 10 am. You wake everybody up by knocking loudly on the bedroom doors. You expect everybody to be up and out by 10, even though you didn’t specifically say that. This lack of communication probably will frustrate your freshman, who wants to be “in the know” about plans.
Make an intentional effort to treat your freshman differently than before. Yes, she still makes many of the same mistakes. Yes, your child still has much maturing to do. Yes, she still argues with her younger siblings. Your freshman isn’t that wide-eyed 18-year-old that left months ago. Your freshman is a young adult.
5. Your freshman blames you for failure.
Your reminders communicate ownership or at least responsibility for your child’s actions. You are the parent, so you should feel a sense of ownership. But college is a time in which your freshman needs to start taking ownership and responsibility for her actions.
When failure does happen (and it will), your freshman may blame you. You know you are not at fault. However your constant reminders communicate to your freshman that you oversee her success. When things go wrong, you become the one to blame.
For example, your freshman relies on you to give constant advice. Whether it’s about when to wake up or how to iron her clothes, you are always there to help. One day something goes wrong, and your freshman blames you for her shirt being ruined by the iron or for her sleeping through her morning class.
Avoid the blame-game by passing over the baton of ownership to your college freshman. You are not the one to blame. Your freshman is responsible for her choices and has to feel the consequences of her choices too.
Your reminders are meant to be encouraging and helpful, but they often have the exact opposite effect. Constant reminders can actually harm, not help, your relationship with your college freshman. So, next time instead of giving a reminder try asking a question or offering a sympathetic comment. Your freshman will appreciate it much more.
