Doing Before Loving
What came first the chicken or the egg? This age-old debate is well alive, especially when it is applied to college majors and career choices. Your freshman repeatedly hears he should do what he loves and pursue his passion. But in reality, what truly comes first: doing or loving?
When your freshman chose his major, many things influenced this decision: your desires, his likes or dislikes, potential income, opportunity, connections, possibility of landing a job after school, etc. Some advisors encouraged your freshman to choose a major primarily on passion. They may have helped him narrow down his options with a question like “what do you like doing?” While this question is not completely out-of-line, it portrays a bias—loving should come before doing.
Should loving precede doing or visa versa? Learn what advice should be avoided or given to your freshman and help him navigate his college and career path by considering the following questions.
What does “do what you love” mean?
Confucius, Warren Buffett, Maya Angelou, and even Steve Jobs promote this ideology. Doing what you love is promoted as the means to career success and happiness. In fact some argue that “do what you love” is the “unofficial work mantra for our time.”
The idea behind this phrase is that pleasure comes before profit. In other words, finding great enjoyment in work is most important and can even lead to financial and business success. According to this phrase, wealth and success should not be the motivators but can result from pursuing your passions.
Many college students use “do what you love” thinking to help them determine their major. For example, they think back to their childhood and remember what they truly enjoyed doing when financial pressure did not exist. They remember a favorite teacher, an inspiring mentor, or a personal hero. They ask parents or friends for advice and feedback. Then, they make their decision. They major in ________ primarily based on the idea that they should do what they love and love what they do.
What is misleading about “do what you love”?
Some freshmen knew what they wanted to study at a very early age, but others did not. After graduating from high school with little direction beyond parental encouragement, students without a clear “love” struggle. How in the world can they do what they love if they don’t know what they love?
The advice “do what you love” is misleading. It assumes that students should be able to identify what they love at this point of their lives. It also assumes that loving comes before doing.
When you think back to your first jobs, consider your “love” for them. In reality, you probably disliked many if not all of them. So, the assumption that a career will correspond with passion pressures freshmen to make life-long decisions prematurely.
Many people work at least a few jobs they do not enjoy or even hate before landing a job they enjoy. Jeff Haden, author of The Motivation Myth, argues that “the last thing you want to do is what you really need to do first.” The path to getting a “dream job” doesn’t come with shortcuts and requires much hard work while waiting.
This phrase is also misleading because the notion of “love” is confusing. What does it truly mean to love your job? In a day with fractured family and societal cultures, “love” is an ambiguous concept. If you love your job, does that mean you rarely struggle or get frustrated by it? Does it mean you wake up every morning eager to get to work?
In the article “Don’t Do What You Love; Do What You Do,” Charlotte Lieberman makes this insightful point:
“Instead of trying to find complete congruence between our passions and our livelihoods, it is perhaps more productive simply to believe in the possibility of finding opportunities for growth and satisfaction at work, even in the midst of difficulties – a controlling boss, demanding clients, competition with your colleagues, insufficient boundaries between your work life and personal life. Recognizing difficulties, and choosing to learn and to grow from them, does not negate their existence or potency, but establishes them as of a distinct facet of one’s life.”
Your freshman’s passion and his career will not always overlap. He can however choose to view difficult situations, managers, coworkers, and projects as growing opportunities on the pathway to an enjoyable career.
Why does doing usually come before loving?
In their book Designing Your Life, Burnett and Evans point out the foolishness of telling a student to choose a major solely based on passion. This advice is misleading, because “for most people, passion comes after trying something, discover[ing] they like it, and develop[ing] mastery.”
Most freshmen do not extensively study their field before choosing a major or arriving at college. They do not know what they want to be when the “grow up,” nor should college parents expect them to know this yet.
Side note: I believe this may be a reason why many college graduates struggle to find a path forward. They arrive at the end of their college studies just as clueless as they entered it. Their lack of work experience in their field discourages them from following their previous instincts. They feel lost without a compass to navigate the path ahead. With every option available to them, they are terrified of messing up their career or failing at what they “love.”
Doing often usually proceeds enjoying or loving. Your freshman needs hands-on work experience, not just a college degree, to guide his future career. College degrees carry less and less clout when applying for positions; however, they are almost always required. Internships, volunteering, and shadowing are good ways for your freshman to get this hands-on experience in his major.
Getting hands-on experience helps your freshman discover what are his strengths, what he enjoys, and at what he has ability. Mastering skills and seeing successful results follow may lead to your freshman discovering what he truly loves. This typically occurs after, not before, doing.
How can you correct this thinking?
Phrases like “pursue your passion” or “do what you love” can mislead your freshman. These ideas do more to hurt than to help. So, how can you help to correct his thinking?
Stop telling your child to do what he loves. Your freshman probably has no idea what he loves at this point. He is still figuring that out, and that is perfectly acceptable.
Start telling your freshman it’s fine not to have his future career figured out. Encourage him to explore his interests as well as areas for which he has aptitude. Taking an occasional class outside of his major but in his interest area is completely fine. You never know how the knowledge and skills gained could help him land a job.
Stop telling your child to think only in terms of “love” and “passion.” Sometimes a job is just a stepping stone to a slightly better job. Your freshman doesn’t need to feel passionate about or love his job.
Start telling your freshman to develop as a person. The skills that define a good worker will serve your freshman well regardless of where his career path takes him. Encourage him to work hard, take responsibility, be honest, and take initiative regardless of how much he likes or loves his job.
Stop promoting the “American dream.” Equality and freedom are cornerstones of society in the U.S.; however, having the right connections, going to the right school, and working hard do not necessarily lead to future success. Confronting this ideology is incredibly challenging, but it starts in your home.
Start combating entitled thinking. All around your freshman are messages telling him that he deserves this or he has earned that. These messages are sending him the wrong message. While working on and completing a college degree may lead to a good job, it does not entitle him to one.
Unfortunately, adult life is anything but fair. Your freshman may get passed over for a well-deserved promotion or an earned raise in income. Encourage your freshman to work hard now regardless of the results. Eventually, hard work does pay off but it takes time and hard work.
What does comes first? Doing or loving? As nice as it sounds to say “do what you love,” doing most often precedes loving. College majors and careers are no exception to this rule. Help your freshman stop thinking he needs to “do what he loves” and help him start seeing he simply needs to do right now, the loving usually comes later.
