Relationship Advice College Parents Should and Shouldn't Give
Relationships are valuable regardless of your age. When discussing relationships, many tend to focus on just one kind—romantic relationships—but relationships include all different kinds. Learning how to make, build, and maintain healthy relationships takes intentional effort.
Many freshmen struggle to form relationships in college, because they constantly hear contradictory advice: have fun with friends in college but get maintain a 4.0 too. You can understand why this might be confusing to your freshman. Add to this popular sayings like “find your tribe” or “love yourself” that may be well-meaning but often mislead your freshman who just wants to make meaningful connections with other students.
How can your freshman form healthy relationships? Provide helpful, not misleading, advice that emphasizes the value of quality relationships while in college.
Relationship advice your freshman does not need to hear
“Don’t date.”
Every family has different expectations when it comes to dating relationships. You may recall advice your parents gave you when you entered college. In some families grades are emphasized while in others dating is more emphasized.
When you think about the relationship advice you give your freshman, what do you emphasize? About which topic are most of your questions? Whether you intend to or not, you are communicating something by the topics you cover in your phone conversations.
When your freshman talks to you, what topics does she talk about over and over? This gives insight into your freshman’s thinking, because if she’s telling or asking you questions she has most likely already discussed this topic with others.
Your freshman doesn’t need to hear that she shouldn’t date. I know some parents will profoundly disagree with this statement, but before you exit this article consider this—“dating” doesn’t mean the same thing anymore.
Maybe when you were in college, dating meant literally going on a date (e.g. grabbing dinner together). “Dating” is a far more serious term now. Freshmen don’t claim to be dating someone unless they are seriously committed to that relationship—aka willing to call each other boyfriend or girlfriend publicly.
“Dating” is also a complicated concept now. If you want to find someone similar to you, you have to put in far more work. Different religious, political, and moral views make it difficult for even the friendliest person to find a compatible significant other. To figure all of this out though, your freshman needs to get some real-life dating experience.
Saying “don’t date your freshman year” may be in an effort to protect your freshman. Your care is applaudable, and your freshman needs this. However, telling your child not to date may communicate that she shouldn’t be showing or receiving any romantic attention from anyone. Is this really best for her long term?
You may argue that your freshman needs to focus on school. While your freshman is at college to get an education, just academics do not constitute all of a college education. Learning to navigate romantic relationships is incredibly important for a young adult, because this will impact her future.
You may argue that your freshman needs to focus on becoming the best version herself. Yes, your freshman needs to continue maturing into an adult, but part of this process hopefully includes investing in others’ lives. This may take the form of friendships, but it may include far more than this.
You may use personal stories to communicate how to date in college. While stories are illustrative and can be effective, they may often fall on deaf ears if used too often. Your freshman most likely has a hard time looking down the road 5-10 years, so these stories may come across as entirely irrelevant to her circumstance. Just because approaching a situation a certain way worked for you doesn’t mean that will work for your freshman. Instead try directly sharing principles and tips, acknowledging she will have to figure out what works for her.
“You don’t need friends in college.”
Are friendships really that important? I would argue that yes they are. While you’re not at college in order to make and have friends, making friends in college is an important part of your child’s college experience.
You may argue that grades are more important than socializing. Yes, in theory this completely correct, but the practice of this concept needs more clarification. Making a good grade on a test is probably more important than going to a coffee shop with friends, but if your freshman throws herself completely into her schoolwork she may miss out on other valuable experiences.
You may argue that your freshman is not at college to have fun. Yes, this is also correct. While your freshman is not at college to have fun, college should be an enjoyable experience. Your freshman shouldn’t be so stressed about maintaining a 4.0 that she never spends any time building or maintaining friendships. After all, once college is over she will need to have these same skills to build relationships wherever she ends up living.
You may argue that your freshman probably won’t stay in contact with her friends post-college. You may be entirely correct, because that may have been your experience. It is very true that maintaining friendships from college is difficult after graduation, but this doesn’t mean that making friends in college is a waste of your freshman’s limited time.
College relationships are important, whether they’re romantic interests or friendships. Learning to build relationships is an important skill your freshman needs to master.
Relationship advice your freshman does need to hear
“Navigating relationships is a part of your college education.”
Many young adults struggle to build and maintain relationships. Maybe this is due to cultural or technological changes, but whatever the cause this skill is important to develop.
Your freshman should view building friendships as part of her education. Not that she will be graded, but her quality of life can be impacted by her ability to connect with others. If your freshman has little experience getting to know people she didn’t grow up with, she may truly struggle at college. If your freshman is more reserved, she may also struggle with forming relationships.
One of the most valuable skills your freshman can learn is interacting with people different than her. Diversity of friendships helps your freshman learn to interact in an increasingly conflict-filled culture. Learning that she doesn’t need to share and convince everyone of her opinion is important.
Your freshman needs balance to her life, because she can’t study all the time. (Well, she could, but that would be a lonely existence.) Socializing is part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. If your freshman was social in high school, socializing may not be difficult for her in college. But if your child is more introverted, socializing may push her far from her comfort zone. Making time for socialization is necessary, even if it’s just on the weekends.
“College relationships are what you make of them.”
College friendships are what you make of them. Giving into blaming others is an easy pitfall. Encourage your freshman to take ownership of her social life. Instead of wishing for others to reach out to her, she needs to take some initiative. If her friends aren’t good about making plans, encourage her to make plans.
College friendships can sometimes be lifelong friendships. They are worth some investment of her time, and (as is true with many things in life) she’ll get out of it what she put into it. If she wants meaningful friendships, she needs to put in meaningful time.
Romantic relationships are what you make of them as well. If your freshman revolves her whole life around dating, she will probably be disappointed. (I certainly don’t advise this mentality to any freshman regardless of gender.) Dating is what you make of it. Putting unnecessary pressure on finding “the one” can cause discouragement and awkward situations.
The opposite situation may occur too. For example, if your daughter wants to go on dates with guys but never talks to guys, she will not likely to improve her situation without joining a club or mixed social group. She needs to learn how to build friendships and romantic relationships with guys, and like anything this takes practice. Placing herself in situations where she will have to interact with guys will help her practice being friends and maybe lead to finding someone with which she enjoys spending time.
“Relationships take work.”
You know this very well first-hand. Successful friendships and romantic relationships take much work. Very rarely do you find lifelong friends or partners who have not had to work through many difficult situations. If your freshman wants to build valuable relationships, she needs to be willing to invest.
Some relationships, however, may not be worth your freshman’s time, but she might need to figure this out on her own. Telling your freshman that her friends are a bad influence may only encourage her to spend more time with them. Unfortunately, she may have to learn that a friendship is not worth her time through painful experiences.
Thankfully some relationships are entirely worth your freshman’s time, but she won’t figure this out if she refuses to invest any time or effort. Even when a relationship is formed, your freshman will have to work at it.
The trickiest part of forming any relationship is often following up. Healthy relationships do not happen by accident and take work. Dating in college certainly requires continual effort, but even casual friendships require transparent communication and quality time.
If your freshman wants relationships, be sure she knows that they require work.
“Relationships shape you.”
You can easily see how relationships impact your child. (Sometimes you wish bad relationships impacted your freshman less.) Your freshman may genuinely think relationships have little to no impact on her, but this just isn’t the case.
In reality, your freshman becomes who or what she spends time with. If your freshman spends all her time with her roommates, she will likely talk and act like them. Their interests will soon become hers. Their viewpoints will become hers. Because of this reality, making the right kinds of friends and dating quality people are incredibly important for every freshman.
Your freshman should seek out friends she wants to be like. This can be done without being manipulative—using other people to get or achieve something. If your freshman wants to become more disciplined, spending time with less disciplined will certainly not help her. But if your freshman struggles with studying habits, spending time with more studious students may genuinely help motivate her to study well.
Relationships—romantic or not—are important! Your freshman needs to hear good relationship advice from you, because she’s getting all sorts of advice from everywhere else. Avoid giving misleading advice and encourage her to make intentional relationships.
