How to Help Your Freshman Be a Self Advocate
This is one of the trickiest parts of college for your freshman. Why? First, college may be one of the first times your child has ever had to stand up for himself. Second, college may be one of the first time where your child experiences the complete consequences of his decisions. And third, college may be the first time your child cannot rely on you to step in.
Recently, I was listening to an episode of the Collegehood Advice podcast where Katy describes this unique struggle for students. She points to learning to advocate for oneself as being a major adjustment for new college students. As a teacher, I can echo this thought. College freshmen struggle at knowing when and how to speak up.
Whether your freshman merely needs to get extra help with homework or he needs to communicate personal boundaries with peers, your child needs to develop this skill at college. Discover how you can help your child learn to advocate for himself!
What does it mean to advocate for oneself?
Self-advocacy is the ability to represent oneself. In some instances this requires taking a stand, while in other instances this requires merely voicing your need. While this term is often used in the context of learning disabilities, the average 18-year-old needs this skill too.
A college freshman tends to fall somewhere in the extremes when it comes to self-advocacy—either saying far too much or far too little. Likely, your child will talk to you soon after a problem arises. The feedback he receives from you typically impacts his next steps.
As a parent, you may struggle to assess what the situation your freshman shares is truly like. Is your freshman overreacting? Is your freshman struggling in other areas that contributed to this situation? What is really going on?
Reading in between the lines can be difficult from miles away, but getting to the heart of the issue helps your advice be relevant and applicable to his specific situation. Do your best to listen carefully throughout the phone calls to ensure you fully understand the situation.
Additionally, ask before giving advice. As a once stubborn college student, I cannot tell you the number of times where I struggled on calls with my own parents, because they gave advice for which I never asked. Instead of listening to their wise words, I would mentally roll my eyes at their assumption that I wanted advice. While I was incredibly immature, I can look back and see how much better I would’ve responded to them asking before adding advice. Sometimes I just needed to share my problems with someone. I didn’t truly want a solution, because I needed to get over the issue before I was ready to do something about it.
Why does your child struggle with self-advocacy?
There are many reasons why your child may struggle to advocate for himself. Some of the reasons are based on his personality type, his background, his temperament, his past experiences with self advocacy, and more. Below are only a handful of reasons your child may be struggling.
First, your child may struggle with self advocacy because of an inability to identify his own needs. Part of the college experience is learning to identify personal needs, like the need to get adequate rest. Properly taking care of himself may be the hardest lesson your child has to learn. Month after month may go by, and your freshman still fails to get to bed at a decent time.
Second, your child may struggle with self advocacy due to feeling unvalidated. When your child does share his needs with you or others, he may not receive validation for having those needs. Some may tell him to “take it like a man” or “man up,” which may only cause him to continue to grin and bear it. Others may tell him he is being overly dramatic or emotional, which may cause him to feel embarrassed about sharing his needs. While there may certainly be situations in which he needs to grow up, not every situation is merely a reflection of needing to grow up. His struggles and needs are at times legitimate.
Third, your child may struggle with self advocacy due to fear of rejection. Expressing he has needs or struggles can be humiliating to someone who only months ago was the top dog at his high school. Admitting he is struggling with his grades, time management, or making friends may be mortifying for him. He fears rejection from you and others, so he struggles to share openly with you.
Fourth, your child may struggle with self advocacy due to an inability to express his own needs. Some students are more expressive and vocal than others. As a teacher, I often wish some students would express their need for help sooner. Often freshmen wait until the end of the semester to get help, and by then their grade is often doomed to a lower letter grade.
How can you help your child advocate for himself?
Your freshman needs to develop the ability to self advocate. While this may be a new skill for him, helping him see that he can be his own hero will help him develop confidence and competence as a young adult. You can help your child learn to advocate for himself in three specific areas.
First, help your child learn to advocate in his relationships. Learning to set appropriate boundaries in relationships is critical. Friendships and romantic relationships can become a draining and exhausting experience if your freshman fails to set up proper boundaries. Encourage him to take care of himself before giving the majority of his energy to taking care of others. He cannot assist others if he himself is struggling to survive. Additionally, your child needs to be careful he is not constantly bailing out or assisting his academically challenged peers. Setting up proper relationship boundaries will help prevent exhaustion and burnout.
Second, help your child learn to advocate in his school work. If your child is struggling academically, urge him to get help. As I mentioned earlier, first year students often wait too long before getting assistance. Help your child see that getting help is normal, not a sign of unintelligence. Utilizing academic resources on campus or professors’ office hours should not be a last resort. The sooner your child grasps this, the sooner he can get the help he needs to succeed academically.
Third, help your child learn to advocate in his dorm. Your child’s roommate may be extremely challenging. Sharing a small living space makes maintaining boundaries difficult, so encourage your freshman to share when things bother him. Help him learn how to compromise on preferences and confront when he is uncomfortable or frustrated.
Living away from home means your freshman needs to learn how to deal with his own problems. Help him advocate for himself by encouraging him to identify and express his needs and get help when needed. Your encouragement can make all the difference!
