The 2 Biggest Lies College Freshmen Tell Themselves
You are constantly talking to yourself. You probably don’t do it aloud, but you are constantly telling yourself facts: “I’m tired,” “I’m not ready for the test this week,” etc. This time of the school year take the time to stop and take stock of this incredibly important part of your life.
Self-talk, meditation, internal monologue, or whatever you want to call it—your thoughts are happening 24/7 without a moment’s rest. Sometimes you probably wish you could stop yourself from thinking, but you can’t.
Some of your most important thoughts are the facts you tell yourself. You may not realize it, but you might be telling yourself lies. These “facts” are simply not true, and you need to work to correct them before they take over your attitude and actions. Two big lies can hold you back, keep you from doing your best, and limit your future, so work now to correct them.
“If only . . . ”
The way you talk to yourself is incredibly important. If I’m honest, this is an area with which I personally struggle. I am extremely critical of myself. I constantly beat myself up for making small mistakes, for saying awkward things, and for generally being less than perfect.
Your self-talk needs to be truthful. If you continually lie to yourself, you will soon believe those lies and live your life by them. One of the biggest lies you can tell yourself is “if only”: if only people in your life would act differently, if only you had this or that, and on and on.
This lie points your attention in the wrong direction. Instead of concentrating on that which you have some control over, this lie focuses your attention on the things that are almost entirely out of your control. “If only” thinking only results in more frustration.
What are the destructive “if only” lies you tell yourself about people? First, “if only my parents” is a harmful lie. This ultimately boils down to the blame game. Although your parents attitude, actions, financial status, etc. do impact you greatly, your parents should not be the go-to scapegoat. Taking responsibility for who you are and what you do frees you, establishing yourself as an independent entity.
Second, “if only my teachers” is a harmful lie. This hopefully is not new information to you, but your professors are not perfect. They make mistakes just like you do. However, now that you’re in college, you need to rise to the challenge. Even if your teacher could’ve done a better job explaining your assignment or has a confusing lecturing style, you can still work hard and succeed in your college course.
Third, “if only my roommates” is a harmful. Watch carefully for this thinking! Living with a roommate comes with challenges, but once you start allowing yourself to pick your roommate apart mentally you may struggle getting along. If your roommate leaves messes in your shared space, don’t complain behind his or her back. Initiate a conversation. Be kind but honest.
Fourth, “if only my friends” is a harmful lie. You probably have found at least a few friends at this point, and some of their behaviors may drive you crazy. Whether they constantly borrow your stuff, arrive late to everything, or come to your room when you need to complete homework, you’re struggling to be patient. You wish they would understand you better, be more considerate, etc. Instead of brooding or gossiping, talk to your friends. Kindly express your frustrations and move on.
What are the destructive “if only” lies you tell about yourself? Probably the biggest one is “if only I had.” Thinking that possessions, people, or abilities will solve all of your problems is pretty foolish. These things will not make your problems go away. If you had them, you probably would not be you.
“If only I had more money” is a harmful lie. Money will not solve your problems. Having more money could make your life more convenient or comfortable, but your problems will still be there. Taking control of your finances looks much differently than longing for more money. If you truly find yourself wanting more money, consider getting a job (maybe even a second one).
“If only I had more intelligence” is a harmful lie. While school is not everyone’s thing, you get to be in college. Even if your science elective is difficult, remember what an incredible privilege it is to be in college. And, before you go and compare yourself with a straight-A student, remember that every student has to work hard. Some don’t have to work quite as hard as others, but every student who wants good grades has to put in the work.
“If only I had more talent” is a harmful lie. If your major requires public speaking or performing of any kind, you may constantly wish you were more talented. Remember that level of talent is relative to your surroundings. What may look like unusual talent in college is not all that special in the professional world. Do the best with what you’ve been given, because that is all you can do.
“If only I had a boyfriend/girlfriend” is a harmful lie. Being in a serious relationship or having someone special to give you things will not fix your problems. Relationships take work and time. Having a significant other will not make you happier (in the long term), more successful, or more confident. You have to choose to be the best version of yourself and not merely to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Refuse to center your thinking on “if only” lies. In the end, you will only hurt yourself. Take action where you can and accept the things in your life that are out of your control.
“I can’t . . . ”
As a teacher, I did not like hearing these words from students—“I can’t.” Part of the reason I detested these words is because they are not true. Your limitations are often only temporary. In other words, you can’t do _________ right now.
If a student puts in the work consistently, he or she can succeed. Even the most challenging and seemingly impossible assignments facing you can be conquered. You may not be able to do well right now, but you will be able to do it well after working hard.
Before you strongly protest, consider these four “I can’t” statements. First, “I can’t manage my busy schedule.” During your first semester you probably struggled to adjust to the busy pace of college. Even if you were a high-achieving and extremely involved high school student, college was still busier. Managing your schedule is possible, but it requires work.
You must learn how to organize your daily, weekly, and monthly schedule. You must learn to study properly. You must learn deal with problems and get things done when you don’t feel like it. You can do it, but it will take consistent effort on your part.
Second, “I can’t earn good grades.” Even if you weren’t an A student in high school, you can earn good grades in college. You will have to work extremely hard, but you can do it. You will have to form good study habits, sacrifice time that could be spent socializing, and get help from your professors.
Third, “I can’t understand this class.” Maybe your professor is demanding or hard to read. Maybe you have a hard time knowing what to study for tests and quizzes. You may struggle to understand the course material right now, but with hard work you can learn in your hardest class, and you can improve your grades.
Fourth, “I can’t find good friends.” Navigating the social parts of college life can be challenging and awkward. You want to fit in but can’t seem to figure out how to do so. Know that most (if not all) freshmen struggle to build good friendships. You are not the first freshman to struggle.
Finding “your people” takes time. It is not a quick process. Don’t sacrifice your integrity for the sake of fitting in with people who will constantly belittle you or make you feel uncomfortable. By staying true to who you are and doing what is right, you will soon find yourself connecting with the right kind of friends.
The key to combating “I can’t” lies is placing the word “yet” at the end of the sentence. I can’t manage my busy schedule, yet. I can’t earn good grades, yet. I can’t understand this class, yet. I can’t find good friends, yet. You may be struggling right now but that doesn’t mean these struggles will follow you for the rest of your life. You can conquer many of these challenges with persistence and hard work.
Identifying and correcting these two big lies will take work. If they are a regular part of your life, you will need to evaluate your every thought. This process can be exhausting and time-consuming, but it can literally transform your life. You don’t have to limit yourself with the “if only” or “I can’t” lies. You can choose to think truthfully about yourself and others!
