How to Live at Home With Your College Freshman Again
“We’re all students now. Or, to put it more precisely, we all live like [college] students, but two of us are still parents,” states senior editor David French in his article for Time Magazine. While initially you may have established strict home rules, you may find yourself saying yes to fun that deprives you from sleep like your college freshman.
French continues: “In college, there is no ‘or.’ There is only ‘and.’ I will watch that video, and I will do my research. I will talk late into the night about the great questions of life, and I will also write my essay.”
Navigating work, life, and having your college kid home again is challenging. Doing so in a crisis is an even greater challenge. You simply don’t have the answers. You don’t know if everything will work out, and your college freshmen knows this too.
In these last few weeks of college classes, your freshman is struggling to finish well. His motivation is at an all time low. He no longer has accountability from classmates, roommates, and friends. He’s likely lost his job or works much longer hours than before.
Out of all of these struggles, many college students claim one of the most difficult is “returning to their parents’ homes — and their parents’ rules,” according to Dan Levin of the New York Times. Living at home again has been a bumpy ride for both you and your college freshmen. In many ways your freshman may feel like a high schooler again due to the restrictions of home rules and mandated stay-at-home orders. Even though your freshman has only lived on his own for several months, coming back home can feel incredibly restricting and frustrating.
Coming back home after living on his own causes your freshman to approach home-life with a new perspective. Being away opened your freshman’s eyes to different ways families function, interact, communicate, etc. The flaws he ignored, tolerated, or frankly didn’t notice before college now drive him crazy.
So what can you do? You can’t change every little detail of your family dynamics, rules, etc. to accommodate his growth or new-found independence. You can, however, do something incredibly valuable and important--something that can transform your parent-child relationship for the good.
Listen. Yes listen to your freshman. His ideas, thoughts, and perspective may seem inexperienced and naive. He may express himself bluntly, inarticulately, or simply poorly. His perspective, however, can provide you with insight into your parenting and family life.
One of my biggest goals in creating Dear Parent posts is to express things that college freshmen are often hesitant to express. Your freshman may not know how to tell you that your words or actions caused or still cause him to struggle. These conversations are awkward to have in everyday life, but they often rest beneath the surface. When your freshman does express these thoughts, it often occurs in moments of anger or heightened emotion.
As a parent, you can easily assume that these thoughts are spoken in regret or haste. Surely, your freshman doesn’t really mean these things. In reality, your freshman may have been trying to figure out a way to express these thoughts for a long time.
Being on his own has caused him to see his childhood, his family, and you more clearly. Removed from home life, he recalled more clearly which factors influenced who he is now.
Though you know you are an imperfect and flawed parent, you strive to do your best. Hearing your freshman’s negative or critical feedback is painful and probably even hurtful. (No one likes hearing criticism or negative comments.) Despite feeling hurt, please try to listen to your freshman’s often poorly expressed thoughts. You may discover things you never would have otherwise.
If your freshman is an external processor, listening is particularly important. Refrain from shutting him down, responding defensively, or deflating his comments with humor. Listen and ask questions. Your freshman needs to know now more than ever that you value your relationship with him.
As the semester winds down and comes to a close, help your freshman finish well by taking the time to listen to him. Take the time to hear the feedback he has so desperately wished to express. Take the time to discuss these tough and tricky topics, and you will likely find you and your freshman will reach a new level of understanding in your relationship.
