“My mom keeps calling me every night. What should I do?”

“How do I tell my parents to stop calling me too much?”

This topic is very difficult for your freshman to broach with you. They love you. They don’t want to harm their relationship with you, but they also need you to know they can’t answer every time you call and can’t talk as often as you want.

They honestly may feel like they don’t have the time or don’t have anything important to share, and your frequent phone calls only add to the stress and pressure they’re already feeling. They want to prove to you they’re doing well or they’ve got college under control, but how can they do that if you call every day for an update? Not much has changed since yesterday. They still are struggling with their bad habit of __________.

Kaleigh Watson, a University of Virginia graduate, shares this perspective:

“In the grand scheme of things, constant communication is probably the easiest way to push your child away. When you give us some space, it makes the calls we do have that much more meaningful for both of us. I find myself more excited to fill you in on the big things I’m doing, tell you funny stories about my friends, or complain about my mean professor.”

Your freshman may want to ask you to call less but doesn’t know how to say it. If you’re unsure why this is such a big deal, let me try to show you how your freshman may view your daily calls.

You want to control your freshman.

Calling too much can look controlling. How so? Your freshman feels the need to be available and drop everything to answer your calls. For an 18-year-old who is simply trying to meet people, earn decent grades, and take care of daily adult responsibilities—daily calls may feel like smothering.

Reminders, hints, unsolicited advice, and more can burden your already-overwhelmed freshman down. They may feel like nothing they ever do is enough or they’re constantly lacking in some way. None of this helps them enjoy their college experience, meet people, and navigate a path forward.

Waiting to call or even letting your freshman be the one to call allows your freshman the freedom to share information. It also helps your freshman to have some stakes in the conversation.

You don’t trust your freshman.

Calling too much can communicate lack of trust. You don’t trust your freshman to get adequate rest. You don’t trust them to remember to eat regular meals. You don’t trust them to remember when their assignments are due.

While you may have a justifiable cause for doubting your freshman, this stage of parenting requires less safety nets. By always being there to offer a reminder or offer the solution, your freshman may soon get the picture that you don’t trust them. So why even try? Mom or dad will always take care of it. (This can’t continue post-college if you want your freshman to be a successful professional.)

Trust is an important part of your relationship with your young adult. If you don’t exercise basic trust, your relationship with your freshman will at least be strained if not very distant. Sometimes offering trust means offering them the benefit of the doubt on occasion.

You need to approve of your freshman’s choices.

Calling too much can appear like you are the checkpoint for all decisions. While the desire to please authority figures can be a good quality in most situations, it can also be unhealthy when it is out of balance. Delivering a flawless presentation at work, meeting a quota, and more can be excellent in a career setting. In contrast, allowing an employer to take advantage professionally or sexually, caring soley about what friends and family will think when making career choices, and more can occur if your freshman doesn’t learn to exercise balance in this area of people-pleasing.

You want your freshman to be able to make decisions that they know fundamentally or right or wrong. If they’re always thinking about what mom or dad might want them to do, they won’t know how to make choices for themselves.

You don’t think your freshman is capable.

Calling too much can signal a lack of belief in your freshman. After a while, your freshman can get the idea that you don’t really think they can do _________. They may feel like all they do is let you down when you call. This is exhausting for a freshman who is simply trying to make it through a difficult first year of college.

Questioning his decision-making with “are you sure?” with a follow-up of “I told you so” is disheartening. Your freshman needs to hear you are on their team, on their side. They need to know you are their cheerleader. You believe in their dreams.

So, how often should you call your freshman?

It depends. Each freshman is unique. Some freshmen want to call each day. Some freshmen may forget to call almost at all. Somewhere in between is obviously ideal.

Why don’t you ask your freshman? Work together towards an option that suits you both. View this as an opportunity to collaborate with your freshman, to show respect for their needs while also communicating they need to respect yours too. 

Your calls should be something to look forward to, not something to dread. By calling too much, you may be implying the opposite of what you hope to. Work with your freshman to communicate frequently enough while also respecting their time. This is the best way to ensure you are supporting your freshman in a way that is best for both of you.