10 Things Parents Shouldn’t Say to College Freshmen and What to Say Instead
When your freshman calls, how do you respond? If you can pick up, you always will. You want to be available and accessible to your new college student.
As you listen to your freshman’s dilemma or problem, your first instinct is to offer a helping hand. This can be a good thing. It shows that you want the best for your child. This, however, can also be a bad thing. How? Your freshman may not develop skills needed to be a successful adult.
Below are 10 things you should hesitate saying to your freshman and what you can say instead to help them develop problem-solving skills!
Don’t ask: “Why can't you come home more?”
Your freshman likely greatly misses home—it’s comforts, the family, homemade food, and more. While you greatly miss your freshman too, asking your freshman to come home more often isn’t helpful for them. Why? Your child needs to establish themselves at college. They need to adjust to the social life and start making good studying habits on the weekends.
Instead say: “While I miss seeing you at home, I understand college needs to be your priority right now.”
This statement shows respect for healthy respect for your freshman’s schedule. It also helps emphasize the necessity of college to become your freshman’s new “home.”
Though college will probably never feel completely like their real home, but it needs to start feeling like their home away from home. This transition will never happen, however, if your freshman spends very little time at college on the weekends.
Don’t ask: “Why can’t you call home more?”
Freshmen typically err in the extremes: calling home way too often or rarely calling home. If your freshman hardly calls home at all, placing indirect pressure on them to call (that comes across as nagging) will likely have little impact or make calling you feel like a chore.
Instead say: “I would like to hear from you more, even if it’s just a text message.”
In general, if you have an expectation for your freshman, you are best to state it directly. Sometimes freshmen don’t pick up on subtle hints. Sometimes freshmen view indirect requests to call more as guilt trips. You are better to communicate what you expect and follow up.
Don’t say: “Stop spending time with friends.”
Making friends is part of the college experience. Having close friendships and dating relationships is a normal part of a young adult’s life. Demanding that your freshman stop building relationships will likely come across as controlling and encourage the exact opposite behavior—spending all free time with friends.
Instead ask: “How do you think you’ve been able to strike the balance between your social life and your academics? Are there some ways you want to improve?”
What you likely mean to communicate is that your freshman should spend less time socializing and more time on their academics. Many freshmen struggle with this balance.
Asking them about how they’re handling this adjustment and asking about their goals is a great way to draw their attention to a need for better balance. It also allows them to take ownership of the solution.
Don’t say: “You’re just not trying hard enough.”
To a discouraged and worn out freshman, these words cut deep. Your freshman likely feels like they are trying hard. They feel like they are doing their absolute best. These words may also cause your freshman to respond defensively and be less likely to confide in you in the future.
**Note: Sometimes your freshman needs to face the reality about how much they’re really trying. In these conversations, statements like the one above may be necessary to shake them out of their rose-colored view of themselves. However, asking a question will likely yield better results.
Instead ask: “What do you think you can do to change your situation?”
This question places ownership and responsibility on your freshman, where it belongs. Questions like this help your freshman to realize what you already know: if they want to be successful in college, they need to take ownership of their choices and act responsibly.
Don’t say: “We don’t get _____ (some unacceptable letter grade) in this family.”
As a teacher, I’ve heard parents say this phrase over and over again. Each time it makes me equally sad. Why? This places tremendous pressure on your child. While your freshman might be capable of earning better grades, your child needs to take ownership of their grades.
Grades don’t tell if your child is actually learning. Placing so much pressure on grades can sometimes cause your child to miss the big picture: college is for learning. Learning sometimes includes struggling and even failing.
Instead ask: “What are you enjoying learning about in your classes?”
Ask about the learning experience, not grades. When you place the focus on grades, your freshman may miss the big picture. They’re at college to learn, develop skills, grow, and sometimes make mistakes. Focusing on what matters in your conversations can help your freshman have that focus too.
Don’t ask: “What’s your teacher’s email address?”
When this question is used, it’s typically because you have intentions of contacting a teacher. Parent, if your desire is to help your child, please don’t send that email. Your child doesn’t learn how to behave like an adult when you step in and solve their problems.
Instead say and ask: “It sounds like maybe you need to get clarity from your teacher. Have you tried talking to them about this?”
The above statement shows empathy. You feel for your freshman, but you care so much for your freshman that you are willing to step back, not step in. Rather than acting on your freshman’s behalf, encourage them to advocate for themselves. Encourage them to go to the source of their frustration, ask questions, and work toward a solution.
Don’t say: “Your teacher is the problem.”
Gone are the days when authority was blindly trusted. Though the teacher isn’t always right, there are always two sides to every story. Because you have a close relationship with your freshman, you naturally trust their account of a situation more.
Be careful, however, to avoid making accusations before you have all of the facts. Placing all of the blame on someone else doesn’t help your freshman take ownership of the situation.
Instead ask: “Why do you think the other person acted in that way? How do you think you contributed to this situation?”
If you want your child to learn to solve their own problems, work to make asking questions your first response. Encourage your freshman to assess their own behavior and have understanding for the other party involved is important for this adult skill to develop.
Don’t say: “That’s ridiculous that ________ happened to you.”
Similar to the last “don’t say” statement, this statement shows an assumption that you have all the facts. Before you make a call or drive to campus, be sure you get the full story.
Instead say and ask: “That sounds frustrating. Why do you think that happened? What do you think contributed to that happening?”
The opening statement shows empathy for how your freshman is feeling without placing blame on someone. The questions help you dig deeper, getting to the root of the situation.
This process helps your freshman think through actions and consequences. It also helps them to see how they can grow, improve, and possibly prevent similar situations from happening in the future.
Don’t ask: “Why are you always tired?”
This is a very discouraging statement to an exhausted college freshman. Of course your child would like to get more sleep or get better sleep, but apparently they don’t know how getting adequate sleep is possible.
Additionally, asking about their lack of sleep in this way places guilt on your freshman. Guilt may motivate children but usually the long-term effects cause more harm than good.
Instead ask: “How could you use your time better in the day so that you have more time to sleep? What are you going to do to try to make that happen?”
Asking these question places ownership and responsibility on your freshman. Rather than saying the things they “know you’re going to say,” asking them how to solve this problem shows them they have the tools to make better choices.
Don’t say: “You need to eat healthier.”
While your freshman might “know” they need to eat healthier, this knowledge isn’t changing their eating habits. Learning to eat healthy is an adult skill that your freshman needs to develop and reminders like this might make them bristle at the idea of prioritizing nutrition.
Instead ask: “Why do you think you lack energy? Is there something you can do to help you have more energy?”
Instead of making statements about their eating habits, asking why your freshman lacks energy or feels unmotivated may help them pinpoint the issue themselves. Help them solve their own nutrition problem for themselves by leading them to the right conclusion: they need to eat healthier.
Many of these “don’t say” statements may seem obvious. However, transitioning to the “instead say” statements takes work. Your first instinct may be to solve the problem, but solving the problem for your freshman doesn’t help them develop the skills they need to function as an adult. Work to ask more questions and offer less advice. Your freshman will thank you in the years to come.
